I Moved!!!

Here is the link to my New Blog!! I bit the bullet and paid for a new blog. So far, it is totally worth it! The new blog now has categories and all kinds of other cool features! It did not take me long at all to set up. It did take me awhile to add everything that I wanted on the site...but the management system was very easy to navigate. I recommed Typepad so far!Don't forget to update your links if you have the old blog saved somewhere! THANKS!!
ok...go check out my new digs!

http://sammibag.typepad.com/

My Inner Forrest Gump

I am a bad blogger. But, I have an excuse! I am torn...**between two lovers...** (Remember that song?) A few weeks ago I decided that if it is true that blogs have personalities....I am schizophrenic to the Nth degree. Or, and I like this thought a bit more, I am channeling my inner Forrest Gump. In my late twenties I had a realization that I embody the entire Forrest Gump saga...including Jenny. My life has been so full of twists and turns, moving from state to state, and other various and sordid details, that it still surprises me where I landed. I am living in a little town, with the change of four seasons each year; I am married to a wonderful guy, with a house, a little white picket fence, and 2.5 dogs. It's a rather amazing story...the story of my life. I am awed every day by the Divine Grace that has landed me here today.

So, I have been thinking for a long time that this little bloggy needs some updating. Like most aspects of my life...nothing fits neatly into a tiny labeled box. I need a place to chat about all of me...my thoughts and feelings, spirituality, social voyeurism, adoption, craftiness, and soon...motherhood. I am looking around at other blogs and trying to decide what format to use. I like WordPress and TypePad. I want to make categories and whatnots. I am a little techie, but not that savvy, so I may need some friendly intervention from some locals I know....hint, hint. Hopefully, I will be able to get updated soon!

Until then, know that Abba is fast at work renewing my spirit with light, energy, and creativeness! Praises!!

The Validation Counter

Some friends and I went gambling a few years ago. It was my first time in a casino and we had way too much fun…and beer. We did a bit of gambling and then we had to cash in our coins. Seeing as how this was my first adventure in gambling, I did not know the rules or the terminology of the process. So, we asked the local bartender how to turn our worthless tokens into beer-buying cash. He said we needed to go to the Validation Counter. We were taken aback by the terminology…The Validation Counter. So, we sauntered up to the Validation Counter and proceeded to ask the kind clerk behind the prison-like bars, “Am I pretty? Do you like me? Do these jeans make me look fat?” We just needed a little Validation! Well, of course we were rolling and thought we were completely entertaining. The clerk, however, did not find the humor in her job title “Validation Counter Clerk”.


But, I got to thinking about all this today because I had a great experience in a meeting this morning. I, basically, had a local agency department head slyly hint that he had a job opening after he complemented me on my “enthusiasm”. Sincere complements are so powerful. I felt like I had just meandered up to the Validation Counter as I left the conference room.

Too bad, in real life, there really isn’t such a thing. Imagine: your feeling low, had a hard day, fighting with your spouse, and you walk right up and get a little word of encouragement. What a great place! I am sure it would have a drive through too!

Have a great weekend!!

Doctoral Purgatory

Well, Mark did it! He defended his doctoral dissertation! It was a beautiful day: clear skies, warm weather. He has purposely avoided ever going to The Lawn or the Rotunda the entire 2 1/2 years he took classes at UVa. Until yesterday, he had never laid eyes on or stepped foot on the Lawn. He scheduled his defense inside the Rotunda. We walked up to the Lawn and into the Rotunda to find the room. The sweet lady that works the facility took us up to an amazing oval room! The room was a very long oval, with beautifully curved walls and a long curved, oval mahogany table in the middle. There was a fireplace on one end and a marble bust of Lafayette on the other. The sweet lady gave us a bit of history about the room. It was specifically made for students to defend their dissertations. There was a certain seat that the student was requested to sit in...the "Hot Seat". It was at the end of the table closest to the fireplace. I guess in the past if the committee didn't like your study they actually threw it in the fire!

After Mark presented his findings and the committee barraged him with questions, we were asked to leave the room. We chatted out in the hallway, next to a gorgeous solid marble statue of Jefferson. Mark did a great job and answered all their questions very well. After just a few minutes, they called us back in and congratulated Dr. Miear! They "signed off" on the research, trusting that he will make the appropriate corrections they requested.

So, now Mark is in Doctoral Purgatory! One professor said that he can officially be referred to as "Dr. Miear", but then another said that he should wait until the final copy is turned in. If you know Mark at all, he won't rest until that final copy is complete! He is planning on finishing it this weekend! So, for the next week or so, it may or may not be acceptable to call him Dr. Miear.

I am so so so proud of him. The whole experience yesterday was very surreal. It was definitely one of only 3 extremely important and life-changing days for Mark...graduating Marine Corps boot camp, marrying me (of course!), and now defending his dissertation. And, the great part is, later this year, we will have another such kind of day! The day we hold our little baby!!

This is going to be a wonderfully blessed year!

TomKat NOT Split !

OK kids...don't get yourself all worked up for nothing...don't believe the hype!
here's what Pink is the New Bog is saying.




TomKat's official position is....NOT SPLITsville



FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE STATEMENT REGARDING TOM CRUISE AND KATIE HOLMES AND LIFE & STYLE MAGAZINE Los Angeles, CA (February 14, 2006) - In reference to a forthcoming cover story in the tabloid magazine Life & Style about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, it should be known that the story is 100% false. Mr. Cruise and Ms. Holmes are still engaged and are moving forward with their wedding plans, as well as planning for the arrival of their child. Despite the malicious fallacies put forth by Life & Style magazine, the couple is looking forward to a long and happy life together as a family.

I know, I know. We can all breathe a collective sigh of relief....

The Big Day!

...and I don't mean Valentine's Day!

Tomorrow is the Final Dissertation Defense! Mark didn't get a whole lot of sleep last night. He is ready, he has his power point, we have arranged for some food (you have to feed the committee). I finished up my lesson plans for the sub. tomorrow.

The Meeting is at 10:00 tomorrow. So, be in prayer tomorrow morning! We are really hoping that very minimal changes will be asked of him. We are going to take the laptop and, if the changes are small, do them in C'Ville! Then, we can trun it in...completed...tomorrow. So, pray that the changes are small enough to get done tomorrow, that all runs smoothly, that copying and whatnot goes as planned. It would be so awesome to be DONE tomorrow!

What a gigantically huge task behind us! I am soooo proud of my husband...Dr. Miear!

TGIF

Thank GOD it’s Friday. What a long week I had. I volunteered to stay after work every day this week to help some students with VGLA stuff. That made my days loooong. Then, we had school-wide Standford testing during homeroom and first periods on Tuesday and Wednesday. That little venture took my precious 1st period planning away from me. I also had to do some lesson plans, IEP writing, and I got observed this week. PHEW! I am very glad this week is behind me!

Next week I will be off on Wednesday to accompany my sweet Hubby to his final dissertation defense in C’ville. How exciting! I looked at the weather forecast for next week, and we may even get lucky and get a much-needed snow day next week! That would rock….and roll!

So, here’s to the weekend! Bring it!

Welcome Home!

When the prodigal son limped home from his lengthy binge of waste and wandering, boozing and womanizing, his motives were mixed at best. He said to himself, "How many of my father's hired men have all the food they want and more, and here am I dying of hunger! I will leave this place and go to my father" (Luke 15:17-18) The ragamuffin stomach was not churning with compunction because he had broken his father's heart. He stumbled home simply to survive. His sojourn in a far country had left him bankrupt. The days of wine and roses had left him dazed and disillusioned. The wine soured and the roses withered. His declaration of independence had reaped an unexpected harvest: not freedom, joy and new life but bondage, gloom, and a brush with death. His fair-weather friends had shifted their allegiance when his piggy bank emptied. Disenchanted with life, the wastrel weaved his way home, not from a burning desire to see his father, but just to stay alive.

For me, the most touching verse in the entire Bible is the father's response: "While he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was moved with pity. He ran to the boy, clasped him in his arms and kissed him" (Luke 15:20). I am moved that the father didn't cross-examine the boy, bully him, lecture him on ingratitude, or insist on any high motivation. He was so overjoyed at the sight of his son that he ignored all canons of prudence and parental discretion and simply welcomed him home. The father took him back just as he was.

What a word of encouragement, consolation, and comfort! We don't have to sift our hearts and analyze our intentions before returning home. Abba just wants us to show up. We don't have to tarry at the tavern until purity of heart arrives. We don't have to be shredded with sorrow or crushed with contrition. We don't have to be perfect or even very good before God will accept us. We don’t have to wallow in guilt, shame, remorse, and self-condemnation. Even if we still nurse a secret nostalgia for the far country, Abba falls on our neck and kisses us.

On the last day, when we arrive at the Great Cabin in the Sky, many of us will be bloodied, battered, bruised, and limping. But by God and by Christ, there will be a light in the window and a "Welcome Home" sign on the door.

~~~~~Brennan Manning always says it best (The Ragamuffin Gospel)

Little Bit Unmasked

Yesterday was my birthday. My mother gave me the best present, ever! She came over to give me the birthday stuffs of usual; a card, a gift certificate, and some much-needed new undies. Then, we ended up down stairs in my office chatting. That is when the Best Gift arrived. Through our little chat, the Little Bit was unmasked. I was telling mom how horrible I have been feeling, and in light of the Sunday Morning Message, I had realized that I was dealing with a great deal of anger. I thought I was angry at Abba for all this infertility mess and subsequent adoption madness. But, really, that wasn’t it at all. I guess I just assumed since that was the biggest thing happening in my life, that HAD to be the culprit.

Turns out the Little Bit was some serious pain from an unfortunate event over the holidays. Mark, his parents, and I traveled out west to see The Ohio State Buckeyes beat Notre Dame in the Fiesta Bowl. We spent a day in Las Vegas first. I had never been there and was very exciting about seeing the town. My brother is also stationed in the Air Force there, and we had plans to spend time with him. In what I had previously thought was a stroke of good luck, my dad and his wife were also going to be in Las Vegas at the same time. Well, long story short, it turned into a complete disaster. My brother, father, and I spent the morning together talking. I fell right back into my old role as Family Jester and moved through the awkward encounter with light and airy jest. After spending a few hours with my brother and father I was spent. As soon as I was back in the safety of the empty hotel room, I broke down. It was, in retrospect, a sincerely horrible experience. I won’t terrify you with the details, but just know that the things that were said, implied, and thought about me were quite painful. It never ceases to amaze me how much damage a family can inflict upon one another.

The long and short of it is, I just have not dealt with what I went through. After talking through it all with mom yesterday, I realized that I was listening to the lies. You see, I believe that Jesus IS the Way, the Truth, and the Light. I ask every day that I am blessed to have the strength to live in the Truth. I believe that there is ultimate Truth and that I can live in that Light. I also believe that there are many, many people, including my family members, that do not know the Truth and choose to live in their own imaginary reality. They live in the reality that they have conjured up through the years. They live in past hurts, holding onto the pain inflicted upon them. Sadly, I was broad-sided, and swept away back into a dysfunction that Abba has already saved me from. Sadly, I started to believe the lies and forget the Truth about who I am in Christ. I am a New Creature. I am loved. I am valued. I am Abba’s Child.

I am still working through this Little Bit, but I am so very, very grateful that Abba has graced me with a mother who is loving, patient, kind, and caring. She helped me to remember the Truth and gave me the best birthday present ever!

"how to pray when childless"

I got the coolest thing. At Sitemeter.com you can sign up for their free service to track who and how many are checking out your site. I am sure many of you already know about these handy little things, but this is new to me. So, I signed up my blog and I checked out the stats the other day. Of course, the majority of readers are my dear friends, which is the main reason I started blogging in the first place. I wanted a place to keep you all posted, since I go MIA quite often. But, I also wanted a place to just vent, to be me, to send my randomness out into the universe. I was helped along the infertility process by reading other infertiles’ blogs. I know the power of simply sharing your story, hearing others’ stories; and reading blogs can really give you a sense of perspective on this great big universe. It shows how we share the same emotions, yet each of use has a different perspective on them. It’s fascinating to me.

One of the features of the Sitemeter is being able to see where the person came from that ended up at your website. Many of the folks reading this silly blog are coming from “A Little Pregnant”. This is a wonderful blog about mommiehood. Some are also coming from another favorite of mine, “Laughing Daisies”. Candace is such a wonderful person and friend, and her story is touching many lives. Then, I came across something very interesting. Someone had found my site by Googling the following phrase:

“how to pray when childless”

When you Google that phrase, Abba’s Childless Child is in high ranking. The person was from Brooklyn, NY. I cannot stop thinking about this random person, out there Googling such a painful plight, searching for answers. I can’t stop thinking about Childless in NY. I wonder what she has gone through, what she is feeling, who does she have to talk to about her pain. I am praying for this lost soul and I have never even laid eyes on her. I am praying that Abba leads her to her heart’s desire, that He teaches her how to pray through this time.

Then, I wondered, how would I answer that question? If that exact question was staring me down, how would I respond? What if Childless in NY called me up, introduced herself, and with all sincerity asked my advice on how to pray when childless? What would I say? How would I respond?

The BIG Little Bit

So, as previously noted, I recently realized that I may be holding onto a Little Bit of Something, and it has been hindering me in some negative ways. Well, I do believe that our infamous Little Bit may be much larger than first anticipated. My Little Bit has shown itself much deeper and well rooted than first expected.

We went to Alexandria yesterday to get our official fingerprinting done. It went wonderfully smooth. Well, accept for Mark’s fingerprint lady. He ended up with a cute little Asian lady taking his prints and she was obviously new to the game. Luckily, Mark looked over her shoulder as she typed his information into the computer. He had to correct her spelling of his name three times! I guess it’s a good thing that Mark has control-freak tendencies. If he hadn’t been looking, misspelling his name in the data base could have caused some serious delays! But, we left the Office of Official Fingerprinting with a great sense of done-ness.

We then proceeded directly to IKEA! Yes, Yes, the adoption gods were smiling upon us! The Site of Official Fingerprinting was conveniently located some few miles from the local IKEA! What joy and wonder! I, naturally, had my list of Whats.its and Thing.a.ma.bobs all neatly written out and tucked into my purse. Mark and I cruised through the store and wondered at all of the splendid IKEAness. Mark has learned how to do IKEA with me. It is definitely an art. Beth and I have been several times and we both have agreed that we make a much better team. Beth and I have a system, an open line of communication, a dedication to what it takes to do justice to an IKEA trip. The most productive way to do IKEA is driving up the night before, spend the night, and be fresh for a whole day of shopping! However, we have managed some serious one-dayers with great success! So, shopping with Mark is a whole other experience. He enjoys it, he tolerates it, he tries realllll hard; but it’s never the same as going with Beth. But, I digress.

So, I am working my way through IKEA and suddenly I have a melt down around the Art Center. I was undecided about what to buy, Mark was (in my mind) attacking me about what to buy, I got all confused and bewildered. Then, by the time I pouted and stomped all the way to the Pick Up Center, I lost it. There I was in the middle of isle 24 yelling at Mark about not listening to me and how horrible he was at communicating. Then, after bursting into tears, walking toward the couches to hide from onlookers, Mark tried desperately to understand what he had done. I accused him of ruining my IKEA trip and all sorts of other things. Poor Mark! At one point, he even went back to the Art Center and picked up the artwork I really wanted, just to try to please me. Oh, but there was no rational reason for any of this spectacle.

So, after he calmed me down enough to get me to the cafeteria for some Swedish Meatballs…I am a sucker for the Manager’s Special, he talked me through my melt down. This is where the Little Bit reared it’s ugly head and pronounced “You have vastly underestimated me!” As I sat crying over my meatballs, I realized that I was in the middle of a giant pity party and had slid down the slippery slope of Pride and landed smack in a pile of Poo! I was crying because of all the things that I didn’t have, or couldn’t have, or wouldn’t have. I pouted because I don’t get to buy maternity clothes, I don’t get to have a big belly, and people won’t treat me all special and ask to give me their seat. I like attention, and you seem to get a lot of it when you’re pregnant. I was in full-on pity mode. I am pretty sure at some point the words “I want it to be all about me!” came flying out of my mouth. It really is amazing…the slippery slope that starts with a few random thoughts and turns into a violent melt down at IKEA.

Mark was wonderful and talked me through much of my dysfunctional thinking that I have allowed to consume me. So much of my thinking is completely opposed to what I really believe to be true. I have done a poor job controlling my thoughts and an even poorer job trusting that Abba is in control.

So, now that Abba has graced me with some realizations and recommendations for fixing this Little Bit, I am asking for your prayers. Please pray that Abba will continue to grace me with a sense of peace, joy, and wonder about this process. Pray that He reminds me how to trust Him and believe in Him. Pray that He pours out His Peace-That-Passes-Understanding on this poor unworthy soul. Pray that He strengthens me so that I may learn to give myself the Grace that I deserve. I am broken, lowly, and I feel so cwappy right now. Pray that the knowledge of His Grace cleanses my mind and heals my self-inflicted wounds.

Sitting Shivah

I saw an ad for stretch mark cream this morning. I was looking at these women with giant, pregnant bellies and I thought of something. I have been wrestling with God for some time now about the impact that adoption is having and will have on my life and the lives of my family. There are many issues that I am admittedly just not ready to completely explore. I put many of them out of my mind because most of them are so far in the future that it is unreasonable to work through them now. Jesus says that today has enough worries for itself. We are commanded to NOT worry about the future. So, again, through this adoption process, I have to be true to what I have learned from Him. Many people want to know what we will do when our child is in school, when our child is hurt by an insensitive racial comment, how we will tell them about their heritage and homeland. I realize, fully, that I must consider all of these issues as part and parcel of the lifelong decision to adopt, but I wonder how much to concern myself with them now.

As I was watching this ad that claims to reduce the ugly stretch marks caused by pregnancy, I wondered, where is the miracle cream to reduce the stretch marks on my heart due to adoption? But, then again, do I want those “ugly” marks to fade away? This process is a miracle; maybe I want the visual reminders. Maybe I want my heart tattooed with the marks of pain, waiting, and joy.

Then, as I was watching this ad, a final realization took form in my mind. I have often thought that I would need to grieve the loss of my dream. I knew that the longing to be pregnant was rooted deep within my soul. I know that I have not fully allowed myself to grieve the loss of this dream. This is essential for me. I need to be healed from the wounds of infertility. Abba has graciously been working in me for quite some time and He has been faithful to me. But, today, finally, I am ready to let go. I have been holding on to a tiny bit of ….I am not sure what to call it…resentment, bitterness, anger, disappointment, sadness, self-pity? It’s a Small Bit, but it’s a Bit nonetheless. I am ready to relinquish the dream completely and trust fully in His provisions and plan for my family and me. Logically, I have known all along that His plan is best, but emotionally, my heart just doesn’t seem to work as quick as my mind.

That’s the thing with a spiritual life. We may believe, claim, and live by the biblical principles we have embraced. They may become our total mode of operating, our way of thinking, reacting, and interacting with others. We may fully concede that His ways are the best. But, there are times when we have to remember our heart. In our minds we KNOW that His ways are best, but our heart still aches, our feelings still get hurt, and we still mourn the loses. We cannot rationalize or spiritualize away the pain. Jesus said that Our Father is close to the broken hearted, that when we really want to see Him and experience Him, we have to be fully engaged in our weakness and our frailty. So, when I acknowledge the Little Bit of pain, bitterness, or lose, I am seeking the True Experience of Him. I pray that He continues to plow the dried up fields of my heart and draw me closer to Him. I pray that He continues to hold me and sit with me through this all. May He be found sitting shivah right with me as I relinquish my Little Bit into his trusted hands.

change is good!

Do you like it?

I am feeling rather "girly" lately.

My blog must reflect such changes!

What do you think?

A Blessed Day!

Friday went so wonderful! It was a blessed day....literally. During the course of the day I received an email and a sticky note from random, not-so-well-known folks that said "have a blessed day". If only they knew! I woke up at my usual going-to-work time and ended at my usual getting-off-work time. I had to actually go into work to give some lesson plans and then I was off to do the Adoption Work. I went here, and there, and everywhere. I ended up in one place two separate times, as well as the post office twice. The whole day was calm, peaceful, and productive. At one point I headed for home to make some copies and checked the mail. We received our fingerprint appointment letter. Most of you don't know, but this was an important piece of the Adoption Puzzle. We have our "fingerprint appointment" on Feb. 2. The general gist of this is yet another blessing. The fact that our appointment is on Feb 2 is huge. Most people are waiting until after March to receive their appointment date. This is a big deal because the appointment date ends up dictating all the other dates and time frames in which things can occur. So, by 3:00 on Friday, everything was done and in the mail! The dossier is complete and sent on it's first journey to the State Department in Richmond. It was very surreal. Every step of the way through this process has been surreal. Mark and I had an interesting discussion at breakfast this morning. We realized that we made the absolute decision to adopt only two months ago!! That is crazy! It seems like forever ago, yet look at all we have accomplished in two months! Abba is in control and His timing is so sovereign!

Thank you to all of you who prayed me through Friday! It was truly a Blessed Day!

Dossier Drama

Our final home study came today. We were waiting for the final copy with all of the notarized accoutrements attached. It arrived today and sent me straight into Type A mode. I went to Adoption Central and gathered all the papers that have been collecting dust in their wait to be sent off to the State Department for the Great Seal of Virginia. I called Jeanne, the Dossier Lady to make sure I had everything in order. I decided to fax her copies of all the documents that I had collected and notarized …just to make sure all was in order….just a little precaution…nothing formal…not a big deal. Yeah, Right! Come to find out….like HALF of the papers that I had notarized have to be redone! You cannot have any random, stray marks, you cannot cross out anything, you cannot use white out. So, on a few documents we crossed out the 5 and replaced it with a 6 when Father Time rang in the New Year and changed my numbers! And then, good ‘ol Dr. Lane had crossed out something on the medical form. So, I got all flustered, almost cried, fought with Mark, and I am now all settled down. Honestly, it’s not a big deal. I am going to take tomorrow off work, run all over God’s creatation..literally…and I should have everything in the mail by tomorrow afternoon….barring any unforeseen events. In the grand scheme, it’s not that big of a deal. It would, however, be a Gigantic Deal, if these papers went all the way to Guatemala and ended up being rejected! THAT would be a big deal. So, I would much rather take the extra time and precaution now as opposed to closer to the Bring Home Date.

After I gathered myself together, changed the papers, called the notary, put things in certain folders, and made a Bijillion lists, I am all calm. I am ready for a full and productive Adoption Day tomorrow.

I was reminded tonight also of what Abba has told me: “In me you have peace. In this world you will have trouble, but take heart, I have overcome the world!” Thank Abba my current troubles are not unto death…for He has overcome death. Nothing I am feeling will separate me from the love of God. He loves me eternally. Evil HAS been overcome…the evil that is alive and kickin’ in me tonight is a lie. Jesus has conquered it! I claim His agenda on my heart!

**sneaking in, stage right**

Thanks Heather...and others, for the much-needed poke to post. It's nice to feel wanted :)

I have been thinking a lot about why I haven't been posting much. I haven't uncovered anything real profound. But, what is interesting to me is how this year is getting started. Usually, I am a fan of the "New Year". As many of you know, I am not, however a fan of the Christmas...but I AM a fan of the "New Year". There is something romantic about fresh starts. I like the idea of a Tabular Rasa (clean slate). I usually make some private resolutions and feel a real sense of renewal round the beginning of January. But, this year has been very different. I think it's because we are in the Middle of a huge life transition. It's kinda hard to "start anew" when you're in the Middle of something. So, again, Grace has entered in and I am just simply acknowledging that I am loved.

Abba has been so patient and gracious to me lately. First, I must say that He has shown Himself amazingly faithful in my marriage. Mark and I are in a wonderful place right now. We are having so much fun together, laughing, joking, and communicating. We are really connecting and learning how to care and communicate softly with one another. I can really feel Abba pouring our His grace in me and allowing me to be tender and open to Mark's love. I have a hard time receiving love, and Abba working a great miracle in my heart of late.

I think the adoption is making me more anxious than I would like to admit. I really have to remind myself that if I were pregnant, I would feel much of these same things. I put more pressure on myself because we are adopting...like I should or shouldn't feel such and such because I am pursuing and choosing this. That's crazy, I know, but it is an odd place to be in. Why would anyone Actively Pursue something with such devotion, time, money, and energy and then turn around and have doubts or be nervous. Shouldn't the decision wipe all those thoughts away? I know....I know...silly. But, it is my plight of late.

The biggest "worry" is whether to choose a boy or a girl! Definitely a nice predicament to be in...considering our journey. But, let me tell you, coming from a gal who admittedly Sucks at running her own life, there is a reason that God has not created a way for us to CHOOSE the gender of our children! This is too hard! Naturally, though it as been the greatest learning experience for Mark and I. We have learned to communicate and listen to each other in ways never explored before.

So, on to the official ” nuts and bolts” update. The home study is complete! We have gathered all of our documents and had each of them notarized. Next, we are sending them all off to the State for them to put the State Seal on each document. Then, they return them to us and we send them to the Guatemalan Consulate for some more Seal-ing and they return to us. These papers are called the "Dossier" (dos ee ay). (or, for all my French Friends: dos ee air!) We are actually at an interesting point right now. We could be getting a referral fairly soon. That means, the agency will send us pics of a certain baby with medical records. We can accept or reject the referral. Again, what a place to be! How do you say NO to a child? Again, Abba's grace will flood us, and we will just KNOW. I pray we will Know!

So, for all you praying folks...Pray that we will have complete peace in all of our decisions and that God's hand is clear. Pray for my sanity and that Abba's grace will pour over me so that I may learn to give myself grace. Pray for Mark. He does his final defense for his dissertation on Feb. 15! Huge! Pray for my dear friends Justin and Stacey and their precious baby!

Thank you to everyone who cares enough to bug me to write!
I am blessed with great friends and family!

My Best Friend

I have many wonderful friends in my life. Each of them are very dear to me. I am leery of using the term "Best Friend" too loosely. I had three "Best Friends" in college. They are now my YaYas! And being a YaYa is the pinnacle of friendship. They all live in different states, two of them across the country. Even now, when we finally all get together, it's like coming home to sisters. We share the common bonds of history and we try desperately to keep in touch. Sadly, it is hard to communicate daily, but a YaYa is for life!

Then there is my Best Friend Beth. She is the yin to my yang. She was my sister in a past life. We share a brain. We have more inside jokes than any old married couple. But, more importantly, she has loved me through my worst times, even when I caused her pain. She is the most beautiful example of unconditional love and true friendship. I can honestly say that I cannot recall her ever hurting me or disappointing me. Not that it would make her less my friend; it just happens that she is just that thoughtful, kind, caring, and gentle with me. She thinks the best about me at all times. She always gives me the benefit of the doubt. She never judges me or devalues me. She is patient, long-suffering, and thoughtful. I don't have a sister, but I am sure that I love my Beth even more than I could ever love a sister!

So, this is a Shout Out to my Best Friend Beth! I love you dearly. Thank you for being my friend!

Sad News

I am not ashamed to admit, I am a pop-culture freak. All things celebrity, fashion, interior design, art, you name it. I subscribe to several magazines and get a little upset when the Us Weekly does not arrive promptly on Friday afternoons. I love reality television and I consider Entertainment Tonight the official Evening News.

So, it is with much sadness that another celebrity couple falls to evils of Hollywood. First Brad and Jen, and now this. Jessica has officially filed for divorce. I do wish them the best and I hope for much happines for them both in the future.

Bloom Night

Tonight was the first official session of Bloom. Basically, a few ladies got together and got crafty. Sounds scary, huh? Not to worry. It's only scary if your a Knithead and can't put the needle down. Other than those crazies, most crafters are quite normal. There were several activities to choose from: Jewlery making with beads, Christams ornaments with fabrics, stamping, and knitting. Joy was a wonderful teacher!

I have to admit, I tried to knit. But, alas, it was not meant to be. My heart is just not in it. I appreciate and love all my dear Knitheads, but I just can't ..... must....not succumb to the pressure! Candace and I had a great time stamping! I think it's just more immediate gradification. You stamp and VIOLA! You're done! Nothing too complicated or time consuming about that! We made some cute little gift tags. And Candace looked ever the mom-to-be.


I took some pics and video with my new Christmas present...a Hard drive Camcorder! Cool stuff! So, enjoy the pics and steer clear of the needles!

In Honor of Our GuataBaby

I was inspired to create a new environment for my blog by the thought of our new GuataBaby. We are going to be getting a sweet little boy! His bedroom will have beautiful chocolate walls with cool blue graphics. So, in honor of him, here is the new, improved, and fun blog!
What do you think?

Shout Out

Shout out to all my small group ladies!

I have to tell you all how much I love you! You guys mean so much to me! Abba has graciously been teaching me what His kingdom looks like here...and now. He has been teaching me so much the past few, hard months. I can see His hand in all our pain and isolation. He pulled me away from all that I loved and held dear and He reminded me how to love Him and honor Him. Now, armed with a fire and grateful heart, I am ready. Thank all of you for being patient with me...and Abba...and loving me right through a difficult, wierd, and distant time. Thank you to each of you for chasing God's heart. It's so true...we are made to love Him, to honor Him, and to live a life of freedom and joy! I am so excited about our small group, what the Spirit is doing right now, and the community that we are graced to share.

And Heather and Holli....this means you too! I have to say that you two are such a part of what is happening down here, it's really like you still live here! I am soooo thankful for being born at this time in HisStory...the internet (and blogs) ROCK! Your spirits are with us every time we meet. You guys are just carrying the small group love north. It's like Grace Church North. Really North.

Just wanted to share the love and tell you all that you ROCK!

Adoption Update 2

Thank you all for keeping us in your prayers last week!

Thursday went fine. We drove down to Greensboro and sat in an informational meeting with about six other people. The lady that led the meeting was super nice. She had a slide show presentation. The majority of the information, however, was already on their website. So, that part wasn’t too informative. We all stayed for a question and answer time after. Unfortunately, we had questions that were pretty specific to a Guatemalan adoption and the lady was in charge of the Russian program. We left knowing we would have to contact the lady in charge of the Guatemalan program for answers to our specific questions, but we were still pretty excited. I guess there was just something about being there….in the building, around other potential adopters. It was exciting. I think we are learning how to translate our process into the natural emotions, thoughts, and feelings that would occur if I were pregnant. We left excited. I think maybe the way you would leave the doctor’s office after that FIRST visit. You have done a million home pregnancy tests, so you’re pretty sure you’re pregnant, but there is something about walking out of the office with the official word. There is excitement, anticipation, worry, fear, doubt…your whole FUTURE flashing before your eyes!

Then, on Friday night, we had our first home visit. The social worker, Jinny, was very kind and patient. For those of you who know us, Mark and I can be very thorough. So, naturally, we had all kinds of intricate little questions, many she had never been asked before. She actually left us with a list of questions SHE had to get answered. I think it’s because we are educators, there is this need to know EXACTLY how things work, in case we may ever need to teach it to someone else. The home study usually takes anywhere from 6 to 8 weeks. Naturally, Mark and I would like to be done in 4 weeks. Jinny said that the part that usually takes the longest is the autobiographies. Mark and I, each, have to type a 8-10 page autobiography. We are talking a serious, in-depth look at our childhood, growing up, schooling, thoughts and feeling about parenting, about adoption, plans for the future, everything! Of course, Mark and I had our papers emailed to her by Saturday afternoon. We started filling out all the paperwork right after she left, and then woke up early and started on the autobiographies! Yes, Yes, we know…we are total type A when it comes to this kind of stuff. We just feel like, if it is up to us, it will get done as soon as possible. I foresee the hardest part of this whole process being the part where we wait for other people and other government offices to process things. But, our goal is to get OUR part done as quickly and efficiently as possible. We would love to have our baby home by summer!

So, now the paper chase is on! We have to get a million papers filled out, faxed, signed, notarized, certified, authenticated, you name it! I cannot even imagine doing this without an in-home fax and copy machine! Thank God for those!

We meet with Jinny again this weekend. We are meeting with her separately. Scarey! I am a little more nervous about this meeting than the last. I just like being with Mark through all this. He gives me comfort. I am not good left alone to stir in my own thoughts. I need him to help me sort through them. So, pray for me this weekend….alone…with the social worker. :)

Thanks for all the prayers and I will keep you all posted!!!

Adoption Update

We are headed off to Greensboro today. We are going down to visit an adoption agency that does Guatemalan adoptions. This will be an informational meeting. We have a few questions and we are hoping to get a better handle on the intricisies of the whole process. We would also like a realistic timeline for baby arrival.

Then, tomorrow, we have our first home study meeting. I am not sure what to expect, other than getting to know what seems to be like a very nice person. We spoke briefly on the phone to set up the date to meet and she seems very sweet. I love meeting new people, so this will be fun!

So, I will keep you all informed about how our next two days progress through the adoption process.

We covet your prayers and thank you for being on this amazing journey with us!

Namaste

My mother made me a beautifully framed present once. It contained an inspirational poem, supposedly spoken by Nelson Mandela. The actual author of the quotation is Marianne Williamson. To be precise, it is from her 1992 book "Return to Love". However, Nelson Mandela has received much of the praise for this prose. No matter who wrote it, the sentiment and truth remains the same. I spaced it out into separate sentences in order to add emphasis and room for your mind to wrap around this profound truth.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small doesn't serve the world.

There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine, as children do.

We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Namaste (nom-ah-stay) means "The Light in me recognizes and honors the Light in you" We say this at the end of our yoga practice.

May you be encouraged to shine brighter each day, as God intends.

Namaste!

Retract the Shout Out!

What a sad day!

I worked in Campbell County Schools for three years. We had many, many, many snow days. I used to be able to judge if we would be off from school by the bamboo in my backyard. I would look out my bathroom window, and based on the amount of snow on the bamboo, and how far it was weighed down, I could determine if we would be off from work. This morning I looked out the window and I saw what normally would be considered Snow Day Bamboo. The weight of the snow and ice bent the tall trees almost to the ground. That is definitely Snow Day Bamboo!

However, since I now work in the City School System the rating scales have changed drastically. My normal Snow Day Bamboo as been relegated to a mere memory. My scales are broken. The Chart of All Things Bamboo is obsolete. The rating and ranking is over. Good-bye sweet, foretelling Friend. What a sad, sad NONSnow day this is.

Shout out!

This is a shout out to all my teacher peeps!

Happy Snow Day!


"Oh, the weather outside is frightful,
but to teachers it's so delightful.
So, we've got no place to go,
let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!"

Nooma

My current addiction, Velvet Elvis, is written by Rob Bell. He also hosts a video series named Nooma. I have seen a few of these short videos and they sat well with me. They stirred me deep in my soul, much like reading Velvet Elvis. I have been praying through the word Nooma for over a year…since I saw my first Nooma. I have dreamt the word Nooma. I have said it over and over, out loud, alone in my kitchen. The word Nooma sat well with me. It had such a profound touch to my soul that all I could do is repeat it, dream about.

I Googled Nooma today.

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I love yoga!

I heart yoga!

I have been practicing yoga for years now. It started out as exercise and has become sanity for me. I learned, through yoga, how to breath properly, appropriately, the way God intended. We are built to certain standards and we have a right and a wrong way to function. I learned that breathing is an art…there is a Right way to do it. Through my journey into breathing I experienced transforming revelations, miraculous healing, and renewed energy. I have long thought about what Breathe means. I intrinsically, naturally, through the indwelling Spirit, came to understand that Breath is life. That Breath is Spirit. That Spirit is God. And through Breath, God is in me. He IS as close as my Breath.

Finally, after years of thinking, pondering, searching, and wondering, Abba has graced me with a precious gift.

I Googled Nooma today….

and this is what I found.


BUT, Please be ready when you click!

Be ready to listen, to hear, to be inspired. Be prepared to Breathe in New Life. Be ready with paper and pen, with Bible and time. You will need about 30 minutes and the least amount of distractions as possible.

Don’t bother reading the page………..just scroll….half way to the bottom you will see a windows media player and....

Click to listen….

and Breath!

http://blogs.echurchnetwork.net/Newsletter/permalink/00003.aspx

namaste!

Velvet Elvis

I just finished reading Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell.

If you haven’t read it yet…………GO…..NOW!

Buy yourself this book……..sit down…….and read it!

This, of course, is assuming that you are like me. You will be passionate about this book if, like me, you are a seeker. If you are continually searching to articulate your existence, your lot in life, your place in history, you are a seeker. I like to read authors that put words to my experiences, my emotions, my thoughts. That’s what is so great about this book. It is full of history, all the stuff we have read before, all the stuff we “should” know. But, ironically, it is all new. Rob has a way of explaining things that is both historically sound and beautifully relevant for a present hope. If you are a seeker of knowledge, an evolutionary work of Abba’s great art….

GO….Get the book….READ!

Than let me know what you think!

How do you feel about his view of heaven and hell?
What if evangelism is that simple?
How does this change the way you view your job?
What if life is really that joyful…no matter what?
How does this change the way you live life daily?
How does it change the way you view others?

ok…go….

Then….let’s discuss!

Visions of love

I had two vivid visions last night.

The first was of Abraham reluctantly dragging his son up the steep mountain in order to sacrifice him at the prompting of the Lord. I could feel his reluctance, his horror, his fear. I could imagine his pain at the thought of carrying out the Lord’s will. I could hear his prayers for the Lord to spare him from such a ruthless act. I could picture him bargaining with God to excuse him from the present journey.

Then my mind flashed to the prodigal son. I saw him fleeing his desperate situation, strait into the waiting arms of his loving father. I could feel his anticipation, his great joy, and his relief to be headed for home. I could imagine his hope for a new beginning. I could hear his prayers of praise to finally be safe and sound, right where he had always belonged. I could picture him being held and kissed by his loving father.

As I thought about the two contrasting images, I knew who I was. I am the infamous prodigal son in my current journey. This journey of infertility has taken me far from home. I have chased a dream so diligently and adamantly that when I stopped to look up, I did not recognize my surroundings. Full of Grace towards myself, I realize that all along I have been searching…searching for the will of God. I have been in the game. I did not sit idly by. I was out there, getting beat up pretty bad. I acknowledge that He held me through it all and that without his strength none of it would have been possible. But, now, resting in my Father’s arms, I can see his will with all clarity. He allowed me to pursue what I thought was my dream. He allowed me to explore this great big world. He wanted me to be ready. I needed to be ready to hear his words and accept with a grateful heart, full of joy and wonder, all that he has in store for me.

Now, as I rest peacefully in his arms, I feel at home in our decision to adopt. I feel the warm peace that washes over you when you snuggle into your favorite pajamas with a hot cup of tea and a beagle dog on your lap. I am home. I give all praise to my Sweet Abba that He has brought me here. I praise Him that I do not come here reluctantly, like Abraham. I am done negotiating and bargaining. I am home.

And on Abba’s front door; a giant sign that reads:

Welcome Home!

Wisdom is knowing what path to take.
Faith is taking it.

Praise my Sweet Abba for the wisdom he has granted Mark and I in our next step towards parenthood.

We have decided to adopt.

We have felt Abba tugging at our hearts to adopt for a very long time; since we first started trying. We have a heart and passion for children. We are both in education and we have seen our fair share of children in need. We have had lengthy discussions about specific children and the amazing differences in their future if only they were in a different household. So many children are in need or nurturing, trust-worthy, loving families.

The exciting part of this decision is the peace that we have found in making it. We are CHOSING to adopt. We had an appointment with the IVF doctor. We canceled it. We feel confident that IVF would work for us. But, suddenly, it all made sense. Our journey will not involve poking and prodding and pin-pricking. We are finally ready to live in faith and walk down the path that Abba has intended for us all along. We are so excited!

We are going to adopt internationally. We are looking at Guatemala. The system there places the infants into private foster homes, instead of orphanages. This is a wonderful situation for early development and bonding with a caretaker. We have already applied for our passports. We have sent off the application to a local agency to do the home study. It was very exciting filling out the paperwork and mailing it off. We even got “congratulated” by the lady at the post office that processed our passports. It was like I told her I was pregnant…and she said, “congratulations!”.

We FEEL pregnant. We ARE pregnant…we are pregnant with hope, anticipation, joy, and excitement. The process is long and I am sure the path will hold plenty of hills and rough waters. But, just like pregnancy, the end is always worth it.

Thank you to all of you who have supported us through many years of infertility. We ask that you pray for our baby. Pray for the mother who will find peace in knowing that her child will be taken care of by very loving people. Pray for the foster mother that will care for our child in the first few months. Pray for the social workers and agencies we will come in contact with and will influence our journey.

So, now, we rest. We rest in Joy, Peace, and certainty that Abba is working…hard….for our family!

Reasons my life Rocks!

10. Witty banter with friends. Squirrels Ruhl!
9. It’s Friday!
8. It’s Premier Day. Think Walk the Line…and some other random movie about a boy named Potter.
7. My husband just finished taking his last class….EVER!
6. Thanksgiving Break is just around the corner.
5. The Team Up North plays OSU tomorrow…Big Game! Go Bucks!
4. Waiting for me at home are 6 big brown eyes, 12 muddy paws, 3 wet noses, and lots of lovin!
3. I get to spend the whole weekend with my #1 fan…Mr. Bunny!
2. I heard from all THREE of my YaYas today!
1. I am resting in the knowledge that I am loved.

The Lucky One

I am so lucky!

I am sure that if I told you my story of how I grew up and the traumas that befell me, you might disagree. However, my take on it all is...I am lucky!

Due to my drastically unhealthy and not-so-normal upbringing, I never really had many fantasies about life. I was pretty much raised in survival-mode. My defense mechanism was to Check Out and Disengage with life and people. I would involve myself in physical activities; sports, writing, painting, etc. Later on in life, however, I did realize that I had allowed this very useful defense mechanism to backfire. I would Disengage without even knowing it. Through some VERY wonderful friends..my YaYas…I learned to open up to emotions and allow pain and joy into my life. I have worked through my Disengagement, but he surprises me sometimes. He is usually alive and well during each agonizing cycle.

I have been thinking a lot lately about infertility. I have been reading a lot of infertility blogs. Most blogs give me strength; teach me to keep forging ahead. I read the horrible things that these women are living with and I am struck at how lucky I am. I am lucky because in the Grand Scheme of the Infertility Journey I am in a good place. There are so many women that have endured so much more and so many worse experiences than me. I am so lucky.

But more than that, I am lucky because of old reliable Mr. Disengage. He kept me from dreaming...which to most would seem sad. But, I don't have to suffer through the loss of my dreams. I never dreamt about where my life would be at any given age. I don't have to suffer through any certain milestone in my life that is met with disappointment brought on by expectation. I am lucky because I don't view this whole debacle as my "lot in life" or "my burden to bear". This is my story. Plain and simple. I don't compare myself to the world of women who get pregnant instantly. I don't judge my worth by the yardstick of the fertile ones. I can't. That is not me. It is cliché, but true...it's apples and oranges. Whoever promised or foretold that it would be a certain way? Who wrote the bible on how, when, and why we get pregnant? I can't compare myself to the wrong standard. And when I compare myself to any standard, it should be to the Infertiles I have met on blogs. But, even then, when I compare, I still feel lucky.

I am lucky because my mom has always valued my oddities. She always encouraged my off-beatedness. Prancing around to my own drummer was expected. So, couple that with the lack of any real dreamt-out plans for my life, I now dance down an Unexperienced new path…Infertility. Since I view myself as a roving, hopeful, ingénue, who shall I compare myself to? There is none like me. So this is MY journey. I will draw strength from those who have trotted down their own paths of infertility. But, I will not dare to compare myself. That was their path…mine is just more ME. I chose to dance down this path with hope. I chose to live up to my mother’s expectations that I blaze new trails of wistfulness and wonder. I chose to be excited; to view this all as a wonderful adventure. Yep, it’s gonna hurt. There WILL be deep valleys, and raging rapids. But there will be mountaintop views and soaring with eagles. This is MY path, MY journey. And I chose to hope.

Just can't shake it

I can hear Him calling. “Come to me. Come to me in your brokenness and weakness, with all your fears and insecurities, and I will comfort you. I will come to you right were you live and love you just the way you are, and not the way you think you should be.”

My response, “I don’t know how.”

He asked, “Do you love me? Can you allow my love to touch you in your weakness, and set you free there, and empower you? So from now on the only power you have is my love for you. That is the only power that you need. I want to strip you of your power to rationalize, your power to verbalize, any of your self-confidences except that God is Love and My power has been given to you through your weakness. You will tell of your weakness, boast in your frailties through My gracious power. This is what will transform you and the people around you… My grace and love."

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I feel wonderful. I am so hopeful. My sweet friend Kelly talked with me the other day about the eyes of your heart being open to hope. I have been thinking for some time now about hope and its true meaning. I do believe that hope is a product of Abba's love for us and our acceptance, acknowledgement, and surrender to that love. When we realize just how much He loves us we can't help but hope.

So, I am thinking that this current hope is true. It is obviously not from circumstances, my heart and soul are broken wide open with pain from infertility. However, I just cannot shake this incredible, bubbling, welling-up of yummy, exciting, giggle-producing HOPE. I know that the pain is there and it comes on very strong when we are cycling through all the hormones and waiting and wondering. But, this hope I cannot shake. This hope comes from the "heart knowledge" that I am loved. I am loved, cherished, and valued as Abba's Child. Nothing I can do, feel, or say can stop Him from loving me! That is the knowledge that produces hope in the face of despair.

I also know how hard it is to hope at times of deep pain. But what I am learning is that Hope is not conditional. Even through and in my pain, I can still hope. A lot of people suffer agonizing, torturous pain. We cannot deny our suffering. Hope is not the absence of things painful. Hope is not the antonym for suffering. We can hurt, cry, scream out loud and still hope. Protecting ourselves from having too much hope doesn't lessen the pain. That is a lie we tell ourselves. I tell myself that lie often, especially during fertility treatmen